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As a Black Queer Femme who lives in the South, I regard taking time for self-care as one of my most radical forms of resistance—to everything. Living in the United States during the Trump regime is hard enough for most people, but to be Black, LGBTQ+, and a woman makes it feel almost impossible. And as a person with a lot of emotions, I’ve found the new coronavirus pandemic, and the killings of my Black siblings by police and vigilantes alike have felt like way too much to handle.
When the world feels overwhelming, I turn to my roots and look toward ancestral wisdom. One of the best pieces of advice that I have ever received comes from an Audre Lorde quote. The Black lesbian warrior poet once rightfully said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” It is important to note that the kind of self-care Lorde talks about is not the superficial, co-opted form of self-care that far too many white women have espoused over the past few years. The self-care that Lorde speaks of is the self-care of survival.
We as Black LGBTQ+ folks living in this extremely challenging moment know that self-care must be done with intention, whether that intent is to find joy through ritual and community care or to protest the unattainable expectations that our white supremacist cisheteropatriarchical society puts on our backs as Black LGBTQ+ folks every single day. The types of self-care activities that we engage in matter much less than the reason we are engaging in said activities. Most importantly, after hearing from old and new friends about how they as Black LGBTQ+ people are living, surviving, and thriving in direct defiance of the turmoil of our world, another Audre Lorde quote rings clear: We are “deliberate and afraid of nothing.”
If you, like me, are always looking for ways to engage in self-care as radical resistance, I hope you learn a new method or two from the following beautiful brave Black LGBTQ+ people who are generously sharing some of their coping mechanisms with the world.
1. Quieting the mind through meditation
I’ve started meditating three to four times a day. Even if for five-minute increments, it’s been a life-saver. I’m always surprised just how much tension I’m carrying. Prior to this period, I wasn’t really big on meditation, but I needed to find something. Now, it’s mindfulness in the a.m., something to recenter me midday, and then that rest and relaxation at night to allow me to effectively check out for the day. —Jennifer D., queer, 36, Washington, D.C.
Since I want to control everything, quarantine has forced me to chill, but the anxious energy around not knowing has been an added stress. One way I’ve been coping has been through spiritual rituals, meditation, and energy cleansing. Connecting with the universe and allowing myself to explore different ways to meditate have both allowed me to center myself. As a result I’ve become much more productive and I’ve noticed habits of positive self-talk. —Shanequa D., lesbian, 33, Prince George’s County, Maryland
I choose to keep myself safe during this time through spirituality. Each day I do a daily meditation and astral projection activity. It allows me to connect more deeply with my identity. Furthermore, it gives me time to breathe and unplug. The world sucks right now, but my mental health doesn’t need to! Spirituality also allows me to look within and solve many personal issues in my life. I have reassessed my being and created a new version of myself. One that is more confident and more Josiah than ever before. —Josiah A., gay, 18, northern Virginia
2. Intentionally moving the body
I’ve been taking cycling classes at home. I’ve done this before, but I’ve grown more attached to my cycling community. All Black women, uplifting, supporting, encouraging one another. This has dramatically helped my mental state. I used to turn to social media for connection. Now when social media is too much, which it often is, I tune out, clip in, and ride out my anxieties. —Jennifer D.
I have been embracing the healing powers of the erg machine. Not only has it provided me my main form of daily exercise when the temperatures are too hot for a run, but it’s also a full-body exercise that has helped me feel healthier than I ever have. It’s been rather difficult to stay focused just on myself at any given moment, but there I am able to embrace the back-and-forth motions of my body and feel my muscles relax and contract. Coupled with a good TV show, it has made for a great way to stay fit in the coolness of my house. —Josiah G., 20, gay, Joshua Tree, California
3. Listening to affirming music
Music is the way that I cope. Zoning out and listening to some of my favorite artists and tracks allows me the ability to zero in on how I’m feeling that day or in that moment. I could go from hip-hop to R&B to soulto pop, or to Bachata in one day. It’s very soothing and therapeutic. —Monica E., 29, bi, Arlington, Virginia
4. Connecting with other Black LGBTQ+ folks through a virtual bathhouse
With all the feelings associated with the impact of systemic anti-blackness and the deaths of our people in the form of COVID-19, police brutality, and patriarchy…honey…something had to give! I’ve participated in a virtual community bathhouse every Wednesday where we unwind and go on a weekly adventure via a guided meditation and stellar music. It’s like getting to go to the Korean spa from the comfort of your own home. It’s been a reminder that my home can indeed be my sanctuary and safe space, especially living in a world where Breonna Taylor was murdered while she was sleeping in her own home. The moments of being grounded, rested, and safe, even if it’s once a week, have been truly transformative, and this is a practice I plan on using even after COVID-19. —Oriaku N., 36, queer Southern femme, Atlanta
5. Showering as a form of healing and restoration
Showering has become a creative and life-sustaining way for me to cope and engage in self-care. Personal hygiene has always been a point of challenge for me, and being forced into this place of stillness, making sure I begin and end my day with bathing has been healing for me. Showering and putting on new clothes every day reminds me that my Black Queer flesh is valuable to me first and foremost and not the perpetuation of a capitalistic workforce. When I’m showering at the end of the day, I play music from the quiet storm genre that takes me back to my childhood, and I play gospel during my shower time on Sunday mornings. It is about learning to love my body as I dance in front of my full-length mirror, rub shea butter on my body, rub my scalp down with coconut oil, and even embrace Black soap in the spirit of Juneteenth. —Joseph R., gay/queer/nonbinary, Washington, D.C.
6. Cooking and baking to channel sadness and rage
I’ve been #RageBaking. Not the co-opted white-girl version of rage baking—oooh, they tried it—but the version created by Tangerine Jones @ragebaking. I hadn’t baked since my teens and thought, What better time to start a hobby than during solo social isolation time? I purchased a refurbished KitchenAid stand mixer, a bunch of other supercute KitchenAid utensils in the aqua-sky utensils color, and some gadgets, and started cooking and baking. I knew I couldn’t just sit here and be sad or constantly full of rage. So I decided to channel that energy into something sweet that brings me and folks I love a little joy and pleasure. My favorite cookie so far is a toss-up between a doctored-up gluten-free ginger turmeric molasses cookie and Bon Appétit’s brown butter and toffee chocolate chip cookie. But my best baked good was my version of a Derby-Pie with a hefty pour of Woodford Reserve Bourbon that I made for Breonna Taylor’s birthday. —Oriaku N.
I’ve been stress-cooking. Cooking brings me joy, and since eating out is limited, I just make what I like at home. —Mary E., 26, queer, Washington, D.C.
I’ve been cooking and finding ways to be luxurious to myself by feeding myself for my joy and not just my basic existence. —Joseph R.
7. Collecting and creating Black art
I have decided to surround myself with shades of Black creativity. I bought my first huge piece of art from a colleague who got it from an artist in Nigeria, and I am filling my walls with other handmade and unique pieces from Black shops on Etsy. I even framed two T-shirts I bought from Black-woman-owned businesses. This is helping me remember that through it all, we still are able to make beautiful things. —Naomi W.-L., queer, 38, Philadelphia
I write poems. I am an avid writer, and I love to explore myself through art. I use the poems to reflect my thoughts and feelings, and issues in the world. Essentially I am using art as my self-expression. Most recently I’ve written pieces about school, abusive relationships, and my rocky relationship with my father. Each poem is a separate piece in the collage that creates who I am. —Josiah A.
Another coping tool I’ve been using is designing. Currently I have my own custom sneaker company, but my dream is to design shoes and clothes from the ground up. As a curator of culture and looks, I find creating has allowed me the space to release all that I’m feeling. To be able to take all of my anxiety, anger, and sadness and create something beautiful has allowed me to instill a spirit of persistence within myself during this tough time. —Shanequa D.
8. Cleaning and organizing spaces and places
Most times when I find myself overthinking, I tend to relax my mind by cleaning my environment or my body. I like to wash dishes, clean dirt and dust, and sometimes DIY foot soaks for an at-home pedicure. While doing so, I listen to music so my mind is not on my thoughts but is focused on cleaning instead. They say sometimes clutter in your mind reflects your environment. Maintaining a clean environment and a clean body helps me focus on what’s important and calms my nerves. —Anne N. queer, 22, Alexandria, Virginia
9. Gaming as an escape
Animal Crossing! I think it came out at the perfect time. It allows me to see friends and socialize—the game also allows for an escape. I don’t have to think about the virus or safety preconditions. Instead I can engross myself in the game by focusing on my villagers and island. —Adrienne H., bisexual, 22, Wichita Falls, Texas
10. Using genealogy tracking to find ancestral roots
As an advocate working to create a country that lives into its promise of liberty and justice for all, I am grounded by the knowledge of how deep my roots go back in this country. My self-care includes genealogical research on Ancestry.com and Familysearch.com (which is free). When I can’t sleep at night, I try to work on gaps in my family trees by looking up historical data and records that help me connect the pieces. Remembering that the blood, sweat, and tears of my ancestors built this country’s foundation and economy is a reminder that I have a deep stake in this country’s success and the ongoing battle toward liberation for my child and my potential descendants to come. This reminder calms me on days I want to give up, it keeps me from reading painful comments from ignorant people who should know better, and it also gives me hope that we have come a long way in the centuries since my people were stolen from Africa and brought here—and that change that feels like it may be a long way off may actually be right around the corner. —Victoria K.Y., lesbian, nonbinary (androgynous) femme/demi woman, 36, Fort Washington, Maryland
11. Getting closer to nature
I have become a plant mom! My wife is very much the gardener in our house, but during the quarantine I decided to order an indoor plant online to add some green to my home office space. I’m now five plants in, and I love watching them grow and transform. I feel patient and gentle when I’m taking care of them. They are changing me and helping me cope with being chronically pissed and heartbroken. —Naomi W/-L.
12. Saving money to calm financial anxiety
I have used the money I am saving from the forbearance on my public student loans and cost savings from not going out to increase my savings. As someone who grew up poor, I am always generally afraid that I will lose my job and fall back into poverty. The economic fallout from the pandemic has intensified my concerns. Having more in my savings helps ease my anxiety. —Tyrone H., gay/queer, 38, Washington, D.C.
13. Fulfilling goals and setting intentions for the future
I’ve taken this time to explore and fulfill goals that I had been neglecting because of time. I applied to grad school and was accepted! I’ve already completed two graduate classes online about social media use in education. —AJ A.*, asexual, 32, Alexandria, Virginia
*Name has been changed.
Quotes have been edited and condensed for clarity.
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