An Open Letter to Women Who Aren't Putting Their Needs First

It took a health crisis for me to realize we all deserve to be looked after.
Mirna Valerio running in a race smiling
Mirna Valerio

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What do you need?

Over the past 2 1/2 years, I have been on the receiving end of this question more than at any point in my life. It isn’t only because I’m a runner who does races where there are aid stations with rad volunteers and generous helpings of salt tablets. It isn’t because I’m a runner who has done a bunch of marathons and ultramarathons and enjoys them immensely. It is because I am fat. Fat and a little bit famous.

I write a blog about my experiences as a larger runner existing in a sport previously thought to be reserved for thinner athletes. The media took notice of my blog, Fat Girl Running, a couple years ago and since then I've had my “story” written about and presented on television. In my big body, I’ve picked up some sponsors and have had the opportunity to collaborate with some athletic brands ready to showcase all kinds of athletes. I’ve also experienced the beauty and honor of being catered to.

"What do you need?" someone will ask me. This question always takes be aback a little and I often feel guilty answering.

“Um, can, um...someone fill my pack?”

“Can you, um, pour me some ginger ale?

Truth be told, I’m not always comfortable admitting that I could use a little tending to once in a while. Because I’m supposed to be able to do and shoulder everything. Except that's the kind of thinking that got me in trouble in the first place.

About nine years ago, I had a health scare. After having been very active since high school, running took a back seat as life became busier, more stressful. I became a parent of a kid who was constantly ill, I took on a new job with a high learning curve three states away from home, and in the process, I left behind the one thing that had helped to keep my body and spirit functional, flexible, and strong. Although this job held great professional benefits, my health and wellness progressively worsened. I eventually left that job for another one. Despite absolutely adoring my new gig, my health problems continued.

One day, as I made my weekly trek back up from my side-hustle teaching music lessons in Maryland, I thought I was having a heart attack. It turned out not to be, but in the doctors’ visits that followed, I learned that it easily could have been. Suddenly I was forced to look at my own life and was confronted with a litany of hard truths: Inflammation, hip bursitis, poor dental health, skin problems, and other issues were inhibiting my movement and threatening my health.

I had been so concerned with being everything for everyone that I had forgotten myself in the process. I was mom, wife, teacher, dorm-parent, grad-student, private music instructor…. I left my own health and wellness to chance. But my body in its bruised but infinite wisdom sounded a painful warning signal. I had forgotten to take care of my own needs, at the expense of me. I had forgotten that I, myself, actually mattered.

What do you need?

My body told me what it needed, and I finally heeded this urgent message—this unlikely gift. I started training again, setting goals and crushing them, eating well and finally, finally putting my needs first.

I hope that you, sisters, will do the same.

What do you need?

We are always taught to be these self-sufficient super humans—so much so that it’s difficult to have our own needs on our own radars. We are conditioned to be selfless, and when we do take the time to engage in self-care we are chided for being selfish. There seems to be no way to win.

But we must. Or else we risk poor health (and all of the things associated with stress and existing in a constant state of being overwhelmed); we risk our sanity and mental well-being.

Mirna Valerio
So, when someone asks us what we need, we should be able and willing to answer.

What do you need?

I need someone to make a meal for me, with things I like to eat.

I need a kind person to take care of my children/my parents for me so that I can take a bath and a nap.

I need to take a walk outside or go for a run.

I need to not have to take care of everyone at work.

I need a break.

Your worth is not determined by how much you can do for others. And if you want to care for them, you first have to attend to yourself. When we forsake our own needs, we are killing ourselves, literally and figuratively. We are stomping on our dreams to allow others to fulfill theirs. And we are forgoing our own wellness to ensure others are well.

There is room in the center for one more person: you.

You matter. You are worthy just as you are and you are worthy enough to inhabit the center of your own life. You are worthy enough to have goals for yourself and work toward them. You are worthy enough to have dreams, and to make those dreams reality. You are worthy enough to ask the question “What do I need?” and give yourself or do for yourself whatever that is.

In the last couple years, I have been the recipient of lots of love and support when it comes to my fitness and personal goals. At times the support is overwhelming and there are moments when I don’t think that I deserve it. I think I didn’t work hard enough, or shouldn’t the support go to someone who really needs it? Or I don't need anything, I’m doing just fine.

I catch myself thinking these godawful thoughts, and I stop. Why is it that I don’t allow myself to be uplifted and centered by others? I do deserve for someone to look after my needs. And so do you. We all deserve it.

All of us women, who shoulder much of the weight and responsibility of everyone else’s health and well-being whether or not we want to, deserve to be at the center of our lives. We are entitled to answer the question “What do you need” without shame or humility.

Ask yourself: What do I need?

Now go out and get it.

Mirna Valerio

Mirna Valerio, a native of Brooklyn, New York, is an educator, diversity practitioner, cross-country coach, ultrarunner, obstacle-course racing enthusiast, and writer. Mirna writes about all things running on her blog Fat Girl Running and for Women’s Running Magazine. Mirna's athletic story was featured in the Wall Street Journal, Runner’s World, on the NBC Nightly News, CNN, and on the CW Network. She is a global ambassador for Merrell, an ambassador for Skirt Sports, and an athlete for Swiftwick and NY Custom Performance. She is married to Cito Nikiema, and together they have a very tall basketball-loving teenage son, Rashid. She loves being in nature and frequently runs trails in the north Georgia mountains. Her memoir, A Beautiful Work in Progress (Grand Harbor Press), was released in October.

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