An oncology nurse has written a moving apology letter to her patients on her blog, pointing out that she only understands what they went through after being diagnosed with cancer herself. Lindsay Norris titled the letter “Dear every cancer patient I ever took care of, I’m sorry. I didn’t get it,” and her message is a powerful one.
The mother of two wrote the message on her blog, Here Comes the Sun 927, on November 14, two months after she was diagnosed with Stage 3 colorectal adenocarcinoma. “I didn’t get what it felt like to actually hear the words,” she wrote. “I didn’t get how hard the waiting is…I didn’t get how awkward it was to tell other people the news…I didn’t get the mood swings…I didn’t get that it hurts to be left out.”
“I didn’t get why you were always suspicious. You couldn’t help but wonder if [the doctors] all knew something you didn’t about your prognosis,” Norris continued. “We shared the percentages and stats with you—and that every cancer is different…but still—is there something more? Something they were protecting you from or just felt too bad to tell you? Logically, I know the answer to this but find myself with these feelings as well. I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.”
Norris also says she regrets not asking her patients more about their children. “I didn’t get how much you worried about your kids,” she wrote. “I should’ve talked to you more about them—and not just in terms of lifting restrictions or germs. You worried about how this was going to affect them. You worried about not being able to keep up with them or care for them properly on your bad days. You worried they’d be scarred and confused. You worried about leaving them. I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.”
After repeatedly apologizing, Norris wraps up by saying that she hoped she helped her patients, even a little bit. “Even though health care workers don’t really know what it’s like to be you (well, us) it’s OK. Nobody does,” she said. “I just hope that I was still able to give you a little guidance and strength to help you get through your cancer treatment. Even if I didn’t get it.”
Norris raises an important point: It’s hard to know how to help people suffering from cancer, or to even find the right words to say. Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of Finding Peace When Your Heart Is In Pieces, tells SELF that this isn’t uncommon. “Family and friends are understandably worried, and they most often fear they will say or do the wrong thing or make the patient feel upset,” he says. “'Cancer' is still a scary word, and close friends and family also fear what will happen to the patient.”
Licensed clinical psychologist Alicia H. Clark, Psy.D., agrees. “There's very little that's scarier than a life-threatening diagnosis, and it is frankly hard to know what to say to a friend or loved one in this situation,” she tells SELF.
David Klow, L.M.F.T., owner of Skylight Counseling Center in Chicago, tells SELF that most people do not want to feel alone in the face of a cancer diagnosis, which is why it can be immensely helpful to let someone know that you’re there for them. “Saying that you are with them, and really meaning it, can make a difference for a cancer patient,” he says.
The waiting process, whether it's to find out the extent of their cancer or figure out the best course of treatment, is often the hardest part, Clark says. “Anxiety surges and days feel like weeks, and weeks feel like months, and there's very little someone can do to take control as they navigate the waiting,” she says. In those times, it can be especially helpful to reiterate that you're not going anywhere. “Don't be afraid to ask them how they are doing and listen wholeheartedly,” Clark says. “Let them know how much you care about them and that you can handle their feelings.”
This is useful because sometimes people with cancer would rather bottle up their emotions than share them. “Patients may not wish to upset loved ones, so they may hold back the extent of their fears or worries for that reason,” Coleman says. “But it can be a relief for them to know that loved ones are willing to hear what they need to say and not have to worry that loved ones will be burdened by that.”
While it’s tempting to only look on the bright side, saying things like, “it will be OK” and “you will get through this” can make a loved one feel like they’re not being heard, Clark says. Plus, they often just make you feel better—not the patient. “They are more for ourselves and our resistance to facing something so scary, sad, and seemingly unfair,” she says. “Unfortunately, these statements are often experienced as dismissive, and even offensive.”
It’s fine to be optimistic, but it's also OK to admit that you’re scared and upset, Coleman says. He recommends something like, “I'm scared, too, but I also know that treatment can be a success” in the early days, as well as “we will get through this together” and “I’m always here for you.”
It’s also important to provide practical support, Coleman says. This can include driving the person to a doctor’s appointment, changing a dressing on a surgical wound, preparing meals, or cleaning their house. Instead of saying you'll do whatever they need, it may be more helpful to offer up specific suggestions so they know you truly mean it.
Above all, just be there for them. “There is something so powerful about standing with a person, witnessing their struggle, and letting them know that they can count on you for support,” Clark says. “This is love in action, and this is the best thing we can do to help.”
Related:
- Why Cancer Symptoms Can Sometimes Seem Like The Flu
- Gwen Ifill Died Of Endometrial Cancer—Here's What You Need To Know
- What To Say To Someone With Cancer
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