Starting Therapy at 28 Was the Best Decision I’ve Ever Made

I've never felt so at peace with who I am and where I'm going in life.
Lindsay Tigar in a swinging office hammock
Courtesy of Lindsay Tigar

I’ve always called her my big sister, and in so many ways, she truly is. I met Kate halfway through an incredibly toxic relationship when I was an impressionable, baby-faced 22-year-old new to the grit and grime of New York City. Six years my senior, Kate took me under her 5’10” wing from the second she strutted through the door of the wine lounge where we met for the first time.

I was initially dismayed by her beauty and instantly taken aback by her charm and the easy way she communicated not only what she thought, but who she was. I was very new in my career at that point, not entirely steady on my $20 pumps from Target, and overly optimistic about what city life would bring me.

It was—and still is—because of Kate, nearly seven years later, that I've been brave enough to do so many things: from speaking up for what I believe in and becoming an activist, to getting a passport for the first time and taking a trip all by myself, to getting over a guy who was never worth my time.

And it’s thanks to Kate that I’m currently in weekly therapy.

No, it's not like that. She didn’t push me over the edge, but rather, she de-stigmatized therapy for me. After a birthday spa day with a side of brunch this past September, Kate carefully told me about how seeing a therapist was helping her.

She chatted her way through the process, discussed how she was discovering so much about herself, and though I nodded along intently, my mind was spinning. “Kate, MY Kate, THE Kate, was in therapy? But why?” It was only after a few cups of coffee that I got the courage to ask her—and that’s when something clicked for me.

She smiled and said, “Shouldn’t everyone go to therapy at some point? You don’t have to be depressed or be recovering from something traumatic to talk to someone. You know, it could be really helpful for you.”

I’m a healthy, successful, 28-year-old adult woman who pays her own bills, contributes to her 401k, and donates regularly to charities I believe in. I have all of the makings of a very happy life: a robust, ridiculous set of close friends who adore one another, a warm place to sleep, steady paychecks, an excellent resting heart rate, and more than enough money to travel when the mood (or a JetBlue fare sale) strikes.

But there’s been one giant black hole in the trajectory of my 20s that I never thought I’d have to deal with: being single. And not just single for a few months in between long-term relationships like many of my friends, but almost entirely on my own from the age of 23 until, well, now. I’d like to say that I’ve handled it well and I’ve taken the game of dating in stride, but I haven’t.

In fact, I’m really bad at it.

Like Kate said, I’m not depressed, but I’m also not very content.

I long for a partner, I struggle with getting up the courage to go on yet another bad first date, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to find someone already. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve teared up in the back of an Uber, coming home from yet another date that just didn’t click. Or how many birthday candles, 11:11s, and eyelashes I’ve wished on to finally meet my husband-to-be. Thanks to my career, I’ve interviewed countless dating experts and I’ve tried to take their advice, only to eventually give up and delete all of my apps. (Only to, a few weeks later, re-download them and force myself to keep swiping.)

Though I know everyone who wants to find love has their ups and downs, dating in NYC can feel a lot like Groundhog Day, without the silly meet-cute with Bill Murray to wrap up the romantic comedy blockbuster.

My friends—including Kate, of course—have been my strong female leads through it all. But at what point are your friends just simply not enough to help you make a breakthrough?

When Kate hinted that therapy might be a good choice for me, it felt like an invitation to deal with these frustrations, these disappointments, and my own expectations.

As I quickly learned after a few sessions, I’m definitely not alone, especially given my age. My therapist calls the 20s the "Odyssey Years," since who we are in college at 20 and who we are as we prepare for the big 3-0 are dramatically different. It’s also a time when you start to really look at your life, chronicling all that you’ve achieved, but also wondering what’s missing.

As Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., L.C.P.C., explains, our late 20s are a transitional period. “You are often established in your career and starting to consider relationships, priorities, and what the next step is. Do you want to focus more on your career? Do you want to meet the right person and have a family? Do you want it all? Are there issues you need to work through that are preventing you from having any of these things? If the answer is ‘yes’ to the latter, now is the ideal time to work through these things with a therapist,” Martinez says. “Addressing any lingering or ingrained issues and concerns now can allow you to have a greater degree of peace, contentment, and success than you may have had if you did not work through them.”

During my first session—which is a time where you offload everything and see if you’re compatible with your therapist (yep, kind of like a first date)—I expressed how low my confidence is toward myself and toward love. I commented that I’d like to feel hopeful again and I’d like to be kinder to myself. I skimmed over my dating and family history and asked about how my therapist might approach my talk therapy treatment. As the top of the hour inched closer, she thanked me for coming in and invited me to return, and told me where she’d like to get started (you guessed it: my childhood).

Four months later, we’re talking through dating in New York and I feel lighter each and every time that I go.

Not only do I feel more equipped to manage my own emotions and handle my anxiety, but I’m learning a lot about myself, how I approach relationships, and what I can do to make dating a happier experience for myself.

That being said, I still hear Kate’s cautionary advice when I start to imagine a scenario where therapy helps me find my perfect partner. As someone who has also battled the NYC singles war for many years, Kate was careful to tell me that therapy doesn’t help you find love, but instead, it helps you find the love you need to have within yourself.

Licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D., explains, “Part of finding love is getting clear on what you want, and therapy is a great place to explore your needs and desires. Another important part of finding love is learning to love yourself first and become the type of person that you want to attract." Therapy is a great place to work on that.

“One thing that can block people in finding love is unhealthy patterns from childhood that keep playing out in their romantic relationships," Schewitz adds. "Therapy can help you identify and resolve these patterns so that you can have a happy and healthy relationship.”

Just like Kate taught me to invest in quality wardrobe staples over cheap Forever21 buys, her encouragement to try therapy has made me realize how much emphasis I was putting on going on dates, instead of taking time to really figure out what I wanted. Though I ditched the 5-year plan a long time ago, I haven’t fully committed to being single in a significant way. Instead of savoring and exploring this time alone, I had been standing outside with my hand up, waiting for the right cab to take me to the end of the road.

But now? I’m driving myself. And though it’s scary and I’m definitely not the most skilled person behind the wheel, for the first time, I’m enjoying the ride.