Being Black in America requires an unbelievable amount of tenacity and, well, work. It’s practically a Black proverb that to succeed in this country, you must work twice as hard to get half as far. Many of us have been taught that showing up and overworking are the best ways to communicate our value. We might intuit that the onus is on us to prove our goodness, our humanness—our innocence. Then we learn that someone might kill us anyway.
If you were raised this way, it can be hard to permit yourself to take a break right now, because showing up—at work, at home, at protests, in conversations about race—is how many Black folks have been taught to survive. So if you’re Black, yearning to rest, and waiting for a sign, please know that this is it. (If you’re a white or non-Black person reading this, though, your self-care probably shouldn’t involve completely checking out right now.)
“The biggest thing I tell my clients is that it’s okay to unplug,” LaQuista Erinna, L.C.S.W., founder of T.H.R.I.V.E. Behavioral Health & Consulting, tells SELF. “We’re trying to process a lot of information in a relatively short period of time,” she says. Taking time away from the endless stream of news reports, check-in messages, and social media updates can give you space to figure out how you’re actually feeling.
There is immense power in believing that because Black lives matter, your individual needs are important. What’s more, allowing yourself the dignity of a break, taking the time to grieve, and processing your feelings can all have very real implications for your ability to challenge systemic racism (including police brutality), your productivity at home and at work, and, most importantly, your mental and emotional well-being.
Below, you’ll find a few helpful tips and reminders if you’re also a Black person who deals with guilt when you try to take a step back in times like these. This fight is long, friend. You’re allowed to recharge for the road ahead.
1. Remind yourself that simply existing in a Black body is part of the work.
Making the decision to sit out a protest, unplug from the news, or take a mental health day can feel like you’re abdicating responsibility, but the truth is that just moving through the world as a Black person can be taxing. Every additional day you do it is an accomplishment.
Chronic stress from racism has been proven to have deleterious effects on Black people’s health. There’s a strong chance that, if you’re Black, you didn’t need me to tell you that racism stresses you out. But let this fact serve as a reminder that you have every right to incorporate rest and stress-relief into your life.
2. If you’re going to take a mental health day, create a plan.
Let’s be honest, one mental health day isn’t going to be enough to overcome the suffering that often accompanies constantly fighting against racism, but taking a day (or several) can give you time and space to grieve and recharge a bit. If you’re able to take a mental health day, try to think of a few activities that might feel refreshing. “In periods of stress, we’re driven toward self-soothing behavior that might not be restorative for us,” Paul Lavella Jr., licensed professional counselor and training and development specialist at Delphi Behavioral Health Group, previously told SELF. Ask yourself what usually leaves you feeling refreshed and what leaves you feeling like a zombie.
You might find it fruitful to read your favorite book or sit outside for a while, while someone else might want to spend the day cleaning their bathroom. Whatever you decide, setting an intention and a plan for the day can increase the odds that you’re making the most of it. (Pro tip: This isn’t a time for tackling “shoulds” and tedious items on your to-do list. A plan to turn off your phone and do nothing is a valid one.)
3. If you have a therapist, ask them for validation.
If you’re already working with a mental health professional, it can be fruitful to touch base with them to validate that your need for rest is natural and healthy, even via email if their schedule doesn’t allow for an impromptu session. This is especially important if you have thoughts or feelings that you’re having trouble fully understanding, Erinna says.
4. Reach out to someone you trust who will support your need for a break.
If you’re feeling guilty about stepping away, there’s a strong chance someone in your life can remind you why it’s important for you to do so. Whether it’s someone who can lovingly bring up that you haven’t slept in three days or someone who can listen and affirm that your feelings matter, contacting a friend or family member may help you overcome any guilt you’re feeling.
5. Know that joy and rest are important for sustained action.
If you don’t have anyone who can validate that your need for rest and levity are important, allow me. There’s a reason why Audre Lorde’s sentiment that self-care is inherently political has become well-worn territory in this fight. Taking time for things like deep breathing, laughter, or rest (or all of the above) can reduce anxiety and lower stress levels. It’s hard to continually fight for justice if you’re constantly emotionally and physically depleted.
6. Remember that normalized trauma is still trauma.
Can I speak openly for a second? Part of the reason why it might be so hard to take a break is that you may have way too much experience with watching Black people get killed on camera. You might be well-versed in limiting your grief to group chats, talks with family members, and (to be honest) the bathroom stall at work where you do your crying. But witnessing death on camera is a traumatic experience, especially when you know the death is racially motivated and there’s a long history of perpetrators being exonerated. The National Institute of Mental Health defines a traumatic experience as an event that is “a shocking, scary, or dangerous experience that can affect someone emotionally and physically.” Just because this happens all too frequently doesn’t mean it’s not traumatic. You’re allowed to take some time to grieve and try to heal from your trauma.
7. If you can’t take time for yourself, set some boundaries.
Maybe your job doesn’t support mental health days, taking a social media break isn’t cutting it, your kids make it hard to have time for yourself, or you’re dealing with any other number of things that can make taking a break seem laughable. There are a lot of other small, impactful ways you can try to create a little more space for yourself in your day. Feel free to do some form of the following:
- Have honest conversations about what you need to feel supported right now.
- Refuse to have debates with people about police violence.
- Ask your group chat to refrain from posting images or videos that cause more upset than healing.
- Mute or leave any conversations that feel particularly triggering right now.
- Give yourself permission to leave “how are you” texts, DMs, and emails unanswered.
- Do anything else that will help you create a bit more space to process what you’re feeling.
Sometimes, bearing witness to tragedy feels like the only thing you can do, so you keep doing it. You don’t look away even when it starts to become unbearable because absorbing the minute-by-minute unfolding feels better than doing nothing at all. The impulse to look directly at trauma and not avert your eyes is brave and useful. Make no mistake: Raising awareness is an important component of the fight against police terror. But you will burn yourself out if you don’t find moments to rest and recover. “Self-care isn’t selfish,” Erinna says. “We’ve been hit back-to-back, and the load is getting heavy, so before you put something else on your plate, take something off.”
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